Couples coaching and therapy

Couples in conflict suggests there is a loss of connection – this could be a loss of connection to your authentic Self, and a loss of the connection you used to enjoy in the early stages of your relationship.

Informal research has revealed a sequence of developmental stages that relationships go through over time. In the early stages, two separate individuals join together and form a unique “we”, and has a strong influence on each other. There is a fine balancing act between the need for autonomy versus the desire for intimacy, and this is often where the struggles show up.

If you believe problems and disillusionment are inevitable, you are right! Fortunately, they are not a sign your relationship is doomed – this stage offers you the potential to experience deep and meaningful personal growth. Your relationship satisfaction will depend on the following things as you experience different stages of growth

and reconnection:

How you think about your difficulties
How you manage your feelings
How your emotional attachment style shows up in whether you are relational, or not.
Where you focus your attention
How you act and communicate under stress
How your differences contribute to the conflict and disconnection

Couples coaching can involve some therapy to confront the difficult stuff each partner is doing or is responsible for, in creating conflict and disconnection.

This may involve working with unresolved trauma, that shows up in the adaptive strategies we use to protect ourselves in times of stressful situations. You may identify with some of these unhealthy strategies:

Withdrawing from your emotional self and the relationship
Blaming yourself or your partner
Hiding or denying your differences to avoid conflict
Attacking with or without contempt and escalating arguments.
Getting angry, sarcastic, dismissive
Getting anxious and trying harder
Fantasizing and possibly disconnecting from reality
Feeling overwhelmed and depressed

Emotions are our life force and a vital part of a meaningful relationship – chronic trauma can lead to a loss of this life force – emotional healing matters.

Why don’t we heal our emotional pain?

Lack of awareness – we don’t realise we have suppressed or denied the emotional pain or the resulting negative impact on our lives
Lack of tools/skills – we don’t know how to heal the emotional pain
We don’t have the people who provide safety, support, understanding and trust
Fear – we are too scared to feel the pain or believe we will be re-traumatized
Hostility is energizing, that’s why it’s addictive – this is better than not feeling for some

Trauma is not what happens to you, but rather the emotional impact of the event and what happens to your body and nervous system during and after the event. Trauma robs you of your ability to be in charge of yourself. The stress hormone cortisol shrinks the Hippocampus – the structure in the brain for memory and processing emotions.

If you can change your conviction that your partner is the source of your unhappiness;

If you can understand that struggles are not a sign of a failing relationship;

If you can see your relationship as a journey along a path of development – then you will be well on your way to a more positive outlook of rekindling and reconnecting to your significant relationships.

Without the courage and tenacity to journey along this path of development, you are very likely to get back into the dating/mating pool and repeat the same unhealthy strategies.